


your love was my solid ground

by dephinecormier



Series: build our own higher ground when the rain's coming down [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, canon compliant until it's canon divergent because natasha deserves to be alive and happy, there are mentions of canonical character death though so do be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:09:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26938684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dephinecormier/pseuds/dephinecormier
Summary: Her breathing slows but it’s not quite enough. Not tonight when Natasha had felt Maria slip through her grasp, turn to dust right in front of her. She wants more, wants to feel alive. To feel Maria’s touch on her skin - a reminder that she had not lost her despite the five years without her and her own close brush with death.*Written for:Black Widow Bingo - Natasha/HillMarvel Femslash Bingo - PTSD
Relationships: Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov
Series: build our own higher ground when the rain's coming down [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965637
Comments: 12
Kudos: 70





	your love was my solid ground

**Author's Note:**

> to lynn who read the really raw first version of this and what it became: a major thank you for being there during the really rough period that happened between right as and after the first version of this was written
> 
> inspired by [this](https://mortt-artsy.tumblr.com/post/628165686874800128) gorgeous andromaquynh fanart but my brain said make it blackhill. squares filled: natasha/hill (blackwidowbingo) and PTSD (mfsbingo2020)

_The night is humid and suffocating and utterly unhelpful, Natasha scoffs to herself, when she’s dangling four hundred feet above ground level. The noise of distaste she makes at the back of her throat as she readjusts her grip on Maria’s hand at the slide of their sweaty palms together makes Maria grin down at her. “Oh shut up and pull”, Natasha grunts, feet scrabbling against the brick wall, attempting to regain her footing to get a boost up._

_“I said nothing!” Maria shoots back, renewing her efforts at helping Natasha back up to safety. The only door granting the people after them access is barricaded, with the rest of the security goons that had come after them lying dead on the ground -- a perfectly incompetent bunch with luck on their side. Screw luck, Natasha thinks with a sense of satisfaction blooming in her chest despite dangling from a precarious drop. The uncomfortable pressure of the USB drive safe against her side is a nice reminder of her success._

_“Yeah well,” Natasha spits out, the venom in her tone belied by the twitch at the corners of her mouth, “You were thinking it.” Maria’s eyes sparkle with amusement, as she huffs, arms straining at Natasha’s weight._

_“You know what?” Natasha hums in response, finally finding a foothold to hoist herself up by. “We should get R &D to outfit your uniform with a grappling hook and wire. This is what - the second time this has happened?”_

_Natasha shoots Maria a dirty look. “It’s not my fault people like to kick important documents off buildings!” Maria smirks at that, shifting one hand to grip more securely around Natasha’s wrist. Her smirk widens when she hears Natasha grumble under her breath. “Stupid superhero movies, giving people dumb ideas.”_

_The grip around her wrist loosens suddenly. Natasha grits her teeth against the feeling of rough brick dragging against her skin and catching on the USB drive in her hidden pocket, digging it deeper into her skin._

_“Maria?” Natasha looks up in confusion at Maria who has the strangest expression on her face, a mix of confusion and panic that sends terror shooting through her veins._

_Natasha runs through everything that had happened in the past few minutes, coming up empty for any possible reason for that look: The barricade at the door had held and there had been no noise that indicated there were assailants after them, any sound that spelled out trouble. “Masha…?” Natasha says quietly, urgently as Maria meets her eyes, before her breath catches, eyes darting down to where her hands are wrapped around Natasha’s._

_Natasha watches with horror as they disintegrate slowly before her, how they turn to dust, slipping through the cracks of her fingers, before she’s falling, falling, falling; back on Vormir, staring up unseeingly at the muted purple of the skies above her, the image of the horror on Maria’s face seared into her brain as she turns to dust. It seems like forever, and yet no time at all before she hits the bottom of the cliff with a sickening crack - a sharp pain lancing through the base of her spine, racing up the length of her neck before her head knocks back into the rough stone and it all goes dark._

***

Natasha jolts awake with terror racing through her, eyes darting unseeingly around the darkness of the room. A hand grips instinctively at her scalp, checking for a wound that should be there after a fall like that. The phantom feeling of blood seeping through matted strands makes her shudder and she curls herself into a smaller ball, sending juddery tremors through the bed.

“Hey - _hey_ ,” Natasha blinks at the soft words that still feels all-too-distant. The gentle touch over the back of her knuckles makes her flinch a little. The feeling disappears and Natasha wants to scream _no don’t_ but it gets caught in the back of her throat. A strangled whine comes out instead. Natasha wants to be embarrassed at the blatant display of weakness but the warmth of the same hands stroking over the back of her knuckles, grounding her to this moment, makes her feel like it was worth it.

The touch lingers and a soothing voice reminds her that she’s safe, to breathe.

_Breathe_.

Breathing is harder than she remembers it to be.

The fog in her brain clears just enough for her to make out Maria’s figure knelt in front of her. Maria seems to register the change and takes the chance to slip out of Natasha’s weakened hold on her wrist. The panic is instantaneous. Natasha clenches her fist tightly despite the still present touch on the back of her hand, wants something solid beneath her fingertips, needs to feel the warmth of Maria’s skin under hers to convince herself that she’s alive - that they are both alive. That everything before was just a nightmare, fragments of old memories.

Sometimes, Natasha doesn’t know which is worse.

“Hey, don’t -” Maria pries her fingers apart and Natasha misses the bite of nails in her skin immediately. Hushing her soothingly, Maria laces their fingers together. “Breathe,” Maria reminds her, trailing her other hand to rest her palm against Natasha’s breastbone. Squeezing Natasha’s hand lightly, Maria syncs the gentle rhythm to the timing to her breathing. Natasha obeys the unspoken request quickly.

_Alive, alive, alive_ , the voice in her head repeats over and over again to the cadence of their soft breaths mingling in the night. Her breathing slows, terror receding but it’s not quite enough. Not tonight when Natasha had felt Maria slip through her grasp, turn to dust right in front of her. Not when she had dreamt of her long fall on Vormir.

She wants _more_ , wants to feel alive. To feel Maria’s touch on her skin - a reminder that she had not lost her despite the five years without her and her own close brush with death.

Natasha lets her hand fall, tracing a path along Maria’s arm where it is wrapped lightly around her waist. She fists the hem of Maria’s shirt in her palm and tugs once -a question and a request.

Shivering slightly at the brush of Natasha’s cold skin against hers, Maria studies her critically. Her fingers rub soothing circles at the small of Natasha’s back. Natasha presses back into her touch, not breaking eye contact with Maria.

Whatever Maria’s looking for, she finds because her eyes soften as she nods. Still, Maria makes no moves towards Natasha. Frustration bubbles in the pit of Natasha’s stomach, tightening her grip on Maria’s shirt. She knows how this goes but it never makes it any easier when Maria reminds her gently to say the words.

It’s always difficult for her to ask for this, to be vulnerable like this after a bad night. But Maria has always been patient. Even more so after having had years of practice dealing with Natasha like this.

Natasha lets her eyes flicker down to Maria’s lips before darting up to meet her gaze. “Please,” she finally manages to get out. The single word is barely a whisper in the quiet of the night. Yet it echoes in the expanse of the room, like a singular point of motion in water, rippling and radiating outwards.

Saying it once makes saying it again easier - almost as though a dam had broken with that lone syllable. Natasha lets herself lean in close until their lips are barely brushing, allows herself this weakness in the dead of the night.

“ _Please_ ,” she repeats, tightening her grip on Maria. Her words are swallowed by Maria as she closes the gap between them and Natasha finally lets herself melt into her embrace. It’s a little desperate, the way Natasha licks into her mouth, arching into Maria’s touch when she lets her hand slip under Natasha’s tank top.

It feels like too much, but also not enough when her hand glides over the scars on Natasha’s skin, tracing over her abs. Natasha gasps into Maria’s mouth when she palms over Natasha’s breasts, flicking once over a nipple. Heat thrums under her skin and she exhales shakily as Maria does it again.

Pulling back from the kiss, Natasha attempts to catch her breath before she grips the hem of her tank top and pulls it clean off. Tossing it unceremoniously on the floor, she finds Maria doing the same with her shirt before guiding her closer to resume her barely-there touches that drive Natasha insane.

In retaliation, Natasha attaches her mouth to the side of Maria’s pulse point and sinks her teeth into the soft skin, relishing in the quiet gasp right next to her ear. Maria doesn’t back down easy though, circling her fingertips over Natasha’s nipples until Natasha is breathing heavy, head lilting backwards. Then, she brushes her thumb over them once, twice and lowers her head, takes one in her mouth and _sucks_.

The sharp shock of pleasure shoots straight down Natasha’s centre and her hands fly up to grip at Maria’s shoulders. Her hips jerk forward as Maria does it again, keening softly when Maria adds just the slightest amount of teeth into the mix. Natasha can feel her wetness seep through the lace of her panties when Maria switches to the other breast and she flushes slightly when she realises that she’s grinding down onto nothing, desperate for an ounce of friction as Maria continues her assault.

Maria seemingly gets the message and reaches down between their bodies. Natasha lets Maria spend a moment brushing her fingertips over the tops of her thighs, allows her to take precious seconds tracing the edge where lacey material meets skin before she's spreading her thighs, urging Maria to where she wants her the most.

Maria inhales sharply when her fingers trace the outline of Natasha’s lips through the lace. Her eyes are dark with desire as she kisses a line back up Natasha’s throat. “You’re so wet for me, sweetheart.” Natasha shivers her words and swallows heavily, tugging Maria back into a kiss. Desperation builds as Maria teases her a little more, brushing her fingers torturously, just shy of Natasha’s clit.

Natasha doesn’t last long before she’s grinding down onto Maria’s hand. She pulls back to meet Maria’s eyes, gripping at Maria’s wrist.

“Touch me.” It isn’t quite begging, not to most people. But it may as well be, for her. Maria’s eyes soften as Natasha guides both their hands to slip inside her panties. “I need - _please_ ,” Natasha averts her eyes, focusing her attention on Maria’s throat where a bruise is just forming at Maria’s pulse point.

A gentle hand guides Natasha to look back up before pulling her into a soft kiss. It’s a reassurance and a promise wrapped up in one as Maria dips her fingers between slick folds, swallowing down every sound that Natasha makes.

It’s the wrong angle to fuck her, but Natasha doesn’t quite mind - not when Maria’s fingers slide over her clit expertly, pulling unbidden sounds of pleasure out of her each time, building her up steadily.

Eventually, Maria slips her hand out of Natasha’s panties. Her fingers glisten with Natasha’s slick. Natasha whimpers a little at the loss, hips unconsciously chasing the press of Maria’s fingers against her centre. Leaving a lingering kiss on Natasha’s lips, Maria tugs at her until she sits up just enough to pull her panties down.

Following the way Maria guides her forward, Natasha lets the lace slide down and off her legs. Shuffling until her knees bracket Maria’s thigh, Natasha presses her full weight down.

Her slick spreads over Maria’s skin and Maria tightens her grip on Natasha’s hips in response. Eyes darting down to where their bodies are joined, Maria swallows heavily. She takes a moment to compose herself before guiding Natasha up on her knees slightly.

This way, they’re nearly eye-to-eye, not that it matters for long when Maria slides two fingers into her with ease, fucking her with slow, languid strokes that leave her panting. Her eyes slip shut right before Maria slides her thumb over her clit causing her to jerk in surprise. The touch withdraws and Natasha’s hips buck uselessly as Maria continues fucking her with long. slow strokes.

It’s unbearable - barely scratching the surface of what Natasha needs. A constant upward climb towards pleasure with no end in sight.

Natasha sinks her teeth into Maria’s collarbone, biting down just enough to stifle the litany of curses that sit in the hollow of her mouth.

A soft whimper still escapes before she can swallow it down.

Maria lets her hand find its way into Natasha’s hair, stroking gently, soothingly. “Shh, my love. I know.” The desperation doesn’t disappear but it does dissipate slightly at that. Still, Natasha flexes her fingers, gripping tightly at Maria’s thighs. She rolls her hips impatiently in response.

“I know, sweetheart,” Maria repeats, pressing a kiss onto Natasha’s hair and on the next thrust she curls her fingers, crooking them just so.

Natasha’s breath stutters, thighs clamping down involuntarily on Maria’s hand, tightening around her fingers. She’s close, so close she can taste it, just like she can the salt on Maria’s sweaty skin as she maps the path back up to Maria’s pulse point.

Maria is undeterred and relentless even as Natasha nips and sucks at the long line of Maria’s neck. Instead, she wraps an arm around Natasha‘s waist right and moves her thumb to circle at Natasha’s clit.

And there, _there_ \- Natasha sobs into the base of Maria’s throat, overwhelmed with the sensation. Hands fly to grip at Maria’s wrist, holding her there as her thighs quiver, hips hitching and moving in counterpoint to the way Maria rubs at her clit.

Natasha presses herself close to Maria, burying her head in the crook of Maria’s neck, reduced to half-formed words and inaudible pleas. Maria seems to understand regardless, returning the sentiment. She holds her tight, whispering quiet praises into her hair as the sensation builds and builds then breaks, sending Natasha over the edge.

The sound of her heartbeat is loud in her ears as she cums, with Maria’s own pulsing a steady beat under her lips - a reminder that they are still here, alive, despite it all and in spite of it all.

Sound filters in slowly in bits and pieces as Natasha regains awareness of her surroundings. Maria strokes gentle patterns into the small of Natasha’s back, murmuring quiet nothings punctuated by the press of her soft lips against the side of Natasha’s face as Natasha breathes in Maria’s warm embrace.

The last dregs of her energy are seeping out of her even despite the burst of adrenaline from her earlier nightmare but Natasha struggles against the pull of sleep. Untucking herself from where she’s pressed up against Maria’s neck, she draws back to meet Maria’s gentle smile.

Natasha shivers as Maria pulls out, wiping her fingers on the fabric of her boy shorts before tucking a strand of Natasha’s hair behind her ear. Natasha frowns at that.

Fingers are already in the waistband of Maria’s boy shorts when Maria’s hand comes up to rest over her own. Maria shakes her head slightly, squeezing lightly at Natasha’s hands. “Not tonight, _malyshka_.”

Taking Maria for her word, Natasha laces their hands together understandingly and brings it up, kissing the back of Maria’s knuckles - an unspoken _thank you_ and _I love you_ wrapped up in one single gesture.

They stay tangled in the other’s arms for a while, relishing the moment of respite that is often rare in their lives. There is no push to fix the brokenness that the other possesses, though Maria would disagree that Natasha is broken in any way at all. It’s something that Natasha loves her for - the same way she loves her for everything else - although she would be inclined to disagree.

The moment doesn’t last long, not with the way her cum is starting to dry all tacky between her thighs. Maria laughs when her face scrunches in disgust as she shifts to regain feeling in her legs.

“Come on,” Maria tugs at their still joined hands and guides them to the bathroom, Natasha bringing up the rear while picking up discarded articles of clothing from the floor. Maria pauses midway to grab fresh clothing for both of them. “Shower?”

Natasha considers the proposition for a brief moment before dismissing it quickly, not quite wanting to deal with the wet hair that comes with the territory. “I have a better idea.”

Natasha flicks the bathroom light on and chucks the dirty laundry in the hamper. Opening the cabinet below the sink, she spots Maria doing the same with her boy shorts from her peripheral vision.

She rummages through the cabinet, shifting the collection of cleaning products to the other side before emerging from the depths with a plastic basin. As the basin fills, Maria steals a quick kiss that turns into two and then more from where she’s seated up on the countertop, pulling her in with her legs.

The water overflows a little but Natasha definitely isn’t complaining.

Dipping a small washcloth into the water, she finds the temperature of the water just on the right side of being too hot. Maria, however, hisses at when the cloth first touches her skin. Natasha teases her relentlessly about it even as she takes long, mindful swipes across Maria’s skin before rewetting the cloth after allowing the water to cool slightly. She’s careful not to let it cool too much, although Maria still shivers a little at the end of it.

Draping a towel over Maria’s shoulders for her to dry off, Natasha repeats the process with herself. As she drains the water, she can see Maria struggling to get her underwear on without getting off the countertop, making her lips quirk in amusement. It widens into a smile when Maria makes a quiet sound of victory.

Tossing the washcloth in the basin, she grabs her own clothing and dresses quickly. It’s clearly not quick enough for Maria’s standards because she’s already poking at Natasha with her toe when Natasha finally gets her shirt over her head. Natasha swats lightly at Maria’s foot but still lets Maria pull her in once more, slotting herself in the space between Maria’s thighs.

Pressing up on her toes, Maria meets her halfway for a chaste kiss. “ _Ya lyublyu tyebya_ ,” Natasha whispers against Maria’s lips - and she does; always has, even during the five years alone, feeling every moment of Maria’s absence.

Natasha wants to tell her those three words in every language possible, peppering it across time for the rest of time, in any iteration plausible - until it is written in stardust in every single universe, mapping their souls together from point to point.

And maybe it still won’t make up for the time they had lost between Thanos and Vormir and everything that had come after, nor would it magically heal the trauma that had resulted from it. But it would be enough for them, as they face the future together.

Smiling against Natasha’s lips, Maria cups Natasha’s face in her hands and tells her, “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was never actually meant for this verse. but then life sort of...happened and long story short, i need to take some time away from my post-endgame fix-it verse that has been a wip for the longest time. writing about grief and loss hits a little close to home right now so i decided to release this as a standalone. a little messy at the edges but it is what it is.
> 
> anyway, i digress. hope the smut wasn't too bad because this is definitely way out of my comfort zone. i do like how i have the nsfw bingo squares for both the bingos but ended up converting a regular bingo square into an explicit fill but the muse does what it wants i guess! 
> 
> all mistakes are mine alone but do point out any mistakes that i didn't manage to catch! as always, i'm [dephinecormier](http://dephinecormier.tumblr.com/) on tumblr so yell at me there if you so wish. stay safe and hope y'all are doing well!


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